Letters to Camp – Day 13, part 2

HELO RO’CKET-BOY.

I IZ YER HOWZ.

I IZ ALIVE NOW. I PLY CHEZ.

U GET JOKS FRUM ME. THEY IZ FUNY. U WIL C.

NOK NOK.
WHO DER?
HOWZ.
HOWZ WHO?
I M DE HOWZ HOW CAN I NOK ON DOR??!?!DAT MAK NO SENZ!

DAT IZ FUNY.

HER IZ MOR:

WHY DUZ CHKIN CROZ DE ROD?
CUZ CHKIN IZ NOT HOWZ! N HOWZ NO CROZ ROD! IZ STAY AT HOWZ PLAZ!

HAHAHAHAHA! HOWZ CRAK SELF UP!

185 HOWZ WOK IN BAR, BAR GUY SEZ “NO HOWZ IN HERE!”
HOWZ THROW BRIK AT BAR GUY!

IZ FUNY CUZ KONKS HIM IN HED!

185 PUBLIKS GROSHERY STOR WOK IN BAR, BAR GUY SEZ “NO PUBLIKS IN HERE” AND HOWZ SAY “YEH NO PUBLIKS IN HERE!”
N PUBLIKS RUN WAY N KRY CUZ HE SKEERD UF HOWZ! HA HA! WIMP.

HER IZ PICSHER UF HOWZ:

    ____________________________________
  /          ~~~          ~~~            \
 /           (0)          (0)             \
/__________________________________________\
   |   _ _                    _ _       |
   |  | | |         [ ]      | | |      |
   |  --+--                  --+--      |
   |  |_|_|     __________   |_|_|      |
   |             vvvvvvvv               |
   |              ^^^^^^                |
___|____________________________________|__

I IZ HANDZUM.

N-E-WAY, DAT ALL.
C U SOON,
HOWZ

Letters to Camp – Day 13

Ro-maine Lettuce!

Saw some pics of you out with the boats today, and covered in orange paint. So I guess they did the paint war again on Sunday!

Mom is going to pick us up a Crazy Creek chair or two, and I got one of those death-laser UV water purifiers that the hike leader had last year, so we can purify our water. I think I need you to buy me a water bottle again, though. I can’t find my Mondamin one from last year.

The news at home has been… interesting. Something unprecedented, something unbelievable has happened.

We managed to get the mutant animals under control with what remained of your chemistry set, but we had totally forgotten about the radioactive material that’s been sitting around the house for a week now. Turns out, it has slowly been CHANGING THE HOUSE ITSELF. The house is now a thinking, alive creature, kind of like the TARDIS, but less timey-wimey.

It talks to us, and sometimes makes breakfast, but it WILL NOT LET US OUT. We told it we need groceries, and it pulled itself out of the ground, walked down the road on its bricks, and demanded groceries from the local Publix. Of course, the Publix building didn’t respond, because it’s not alive, so the house gave it some radioactive material, and it gave us some food once it came alive.

Then our house marched back to its spot on our street, and here we are. Stuck.

Sure, House is a good chess player, and of course we’re comfortable, but we really need to get outside at some point. I’ve explained that I have to be at Mondamin in a day and a half, so it’s trying to figure out what to do about that. I’m afraid it’s going to walk all the way to Mondamin and go on the hiking trip with us. Our tent is just not that big!

But we’ll see.

I would include some jokes, but the House has demanded that it write you an email with jokes and whatnot, so we’ll see how that goes.

I am allowed to write you the answers to yesterday’s riddles though:

1. Two boys fill out registration forms for summer camp. The registrar notices that they have the same parents, live at the same address, and have the same date of birth. The only difference is that one is named Stuart and the other is Samuel. The registrar says, “Are you twins?” They both answer promptly, “NO!” How could that be?
THEY ARE TRIPLETS.

2. A woman lives on the 14th floor of an apartment building. When she goes to work in the morning she always takes the elevator all the way to the ground floor. But when she returns, many times she takes the elevator only up to the 7th floor and walks the rest of the way up. Why?
BECAUSE SHE IS TOO SHORT TO REACH THE BUTTON FOR THE 14TH FLOOR.

3. There is a man walking down the road dressed entirely in black. There are no lights on anywhere and no moon. A car with no lights comes down the road and manages to avoid the man. How?
BECAUSE IT IS DAYTIME.

c u soon,
Dad, Mom, Scout, and the Animalz

Letters to Camp – Day 12, part 2

Ro-ck and Ro-ll!

I guess you saw Scout’s email… She managed to get one out before the mutant problem cropped up again, but she didn’t have time to get some extra stuff to you, so I’m using my wooden computer again.

Some riddles to figure out:

1. Two boys fill out registration forms for summer camp. The registrar notices that they have the same parents, live at the same address, and have the same date of birth. The only difference is that one is named Stuart and the other is Samuel. The registrar says, “Are you twins?” They both answer promptly, “NO!” How could that be?

2. A woman lives on the 14th floor of an apartment building. When she goes to work in the morning she always takes the elevator all the way to the ground floor. But when she returns, many times she takes the elevator only up to the 7th floor and walks the rest of the way up. Why?

3. There is a man walking down the road dressed entirely in black. There are no lights on anywhere and no moon. A car with no lights comes down the road and manages to avoid the man. How?

Mutant guinea pig

                  _^^___^^_
             _^^_/         \____^^__/\_/\
            /                            \
           /                         o O  |
           |                          []  |
            \               \    /_  VVVV |
             \  /\___________\  /  \ ^^^^ /
             / /    / /       \ \   \____/
             \__**  \__**     /___**  **

Roar!
Dad & Mom

Letters to Camp – Day 12

Dear Rocketboy,

Good news! We have destroyed the elephants. We threw coconuts all the way to Africa, so they’re at Africa, not our problem. And then we had a dance party with the ninjas. And soon, Sammy and the guinea pigs turned mutant again and started to destroy the world. And again, just like the bears, the same thing happened with Sammy and the guinea pigs… they took over our house.

Ask your counselor to help us! Get you out of camp and help us!

The guinea pigs are about to take over the computer, I’m afraid dad can’t type anymore.

Bye! (to be continued)

Scout

Letters to Camp – Day 11

Ro-seph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat!

It was great seeing you today! We made it back home without problem, only to discover the elephant issue had worsened.

You see, a pack of wild Georgia elephants wandered into the garage a few days ago. I figured they were harmless, and would eventually move on. But, as it happens, they moved into the house while we were visiting Mondamin.

One of them insists on wearing my pajamas, and drinking my cranberry juice. It’s simply rude, really. I had no idea that Georgian elephants were so rude.

In fact, I called the zoo to tell them we had an infestation of Georgian elephants, and they had the nerve to tell me there WAS no such thing as Georgia elephants, just African and Asian elephants. I told them they were right in our house, but they just hung up.

So, we keep getting in arguments over them using our toothbrushes and stuff. You’d think they’d remember when I tell them not to use my toothbrush, because they’re elephants, but apparently the old “elephants never forget” adage doesn’t apply to Georgian elephants, possibly because they don’t officially exist.

Perhaps the reason no scientists have ever categorized them is because they spend all their time hiding in peoples’ houses.

So, we’re pondering solutions. We’ll let you know how it goes.

Some jokes:
Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
A: An elephant is grey.

Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: “Look! A herd of plums in the distance” (Jane is color blind)

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamping out flaming ducks.

185 elephants walk into a bar, and the bartender says “I’m sorry, we don’t serve elephants.”
The elephants reply, “That’s a dumb-o rule.”

Love Dad, Mom, Scout, and all the animals.

Finance 101

Scout: Hey, can I have this $5?
Me: Is that from my wallet?
Scout: Yes, but it’s just *change* from last night, so it’s not good for anything, right?
Me: What? That’s not true! You know how money works!
Scout: Yes, first you get the money, then your kids steal it from you, and spend it on things that they want.

Letters to Camp – Day 10

Ro-lling on the river!

Yo! By the time you read this, we’ll be one day away from coming up and visiting, so I’ll keep this pretty short. We heard from Will that you were having a good time, except when you had to go hang out with girls. I guess you’ve got another girl-hang-out tomorrow night, so hopefully that will go better. Girls are just like you, except they smell a little better. 🙂

You’ll be happy to know that we got some tranquilizer guns and managed to knock out the mutant guinea pigs. With the use of your chemistry set, we were able to prepare an antidote which allowed us to return Emmy and Spotter to (mostly) normal size. Sometimes Emmy still gets an evil look in her eyes, but it might just be that she’s out of hay.

So, we reached an agreement with the ninjas that they can stay in your room until you get back, if they watch the house while we come up and visit, and when I’m up for the father/son camp-out. So it looks like everything is back to normal.

Except for the elephants. But that’s a story for another day.

Some jokes:

185 Steves walk into a bar, the bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve Steves here.”
The 185 Steves reply, “Why ya’ gotta pick on us?”

185 Steves walk into a bar, the bartender says. “I’m sorry, we don’t serve Steves here.”
The 185 Steves reply, “That doesn’t butter us, we’ll just go a-nether bar.”

185 Steves walk into a bar, the bartender says. “I’m sorry, we don’t serve Steves here.”
The 185 Steves just respawned in another bar.

Nyan Cat ASCII…

    ━*━___━━___━__*___━_*___┓━╭­­­­­━━━━╮ __
*_━━___━━___━━*____━━___┗┓|:­­­­­:::::^-------^
_━━___━*━___━━____━━*___━┗|:­­­­­:::::|。◕‿‿­­­­◕。|
 *━__━━_*___━━___*━━___*━━╰O­­­­­--O----O--O ╯

See you tomorrow,
Dad, Mom, Scout, Spotter, Emmy, Sammy and the Ninjas.

Letters to Camp – Day 8

Rocket-Bot!

Saw a few pictures of you in a group with Nature Matt, and getting ready for some boating. Lookin’ healthy! We also received the letter from your counselor saying you were being a great camper, doing a good job helping out Ollie, and you’re trying a bunch of stuff. That’s great! Can’t wait to hear all about it!

Things are okay here… we had a tornado warning, so, not being in the house because of the mutant hamsters, the ninjas and we dug a shelter under the tree to avoid the rain and wind. Can’t tell for sure what’s going on in the house with the mutated guinea pigs, but they seemed to have developed genius-level intelligence and figured out how to write computer viruses. Neighbors have reported their computers have been infected with squealing sounds and demands for hay.

So that’s one more thing to deal with. Also, the guinea pigs may or may not have eaten the A/C repairman. So I don’t know if there’s Air Conditioning in the house yet.

Luckily, we’ve bonded with the ninjas, so we have them as allies. For now. I understand ninjas will turn on ya’, though. Can’t trust ’em.

Some jokes!

185 air conditioners walk into a bar, the bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve air conditioners here.”
The 185 air conditioners reply, “Oh man, that’s not cool.”

185 computer viruses walk into a bar, the bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve computer viruses here.”
The 185 computer viruses reply, “Well, we’ll just go soft ware where we’re appreciated!”

185 Counselor Ollies walk into a bar, the bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve Counselor Ollies here.”
The 185 Counselor Ollies reply, “A-fri-ca-rying out loud!”

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Love & Rockets,
Dad, Mom, Scout, Sammy, the Ninjas, and the horrid mutanted guinea pig monsters

Letters to Camp – Day 7

Ro to the cket to the Boy!

Hey, you are totally Facebook-famous with today’s pictures of you masterfully riding a horse, wearing your blue Mondamin shirt! Now everybody wants to go to camp with you. Way to own that equine!

Today is Wednesday, and assuming we can take care of this new issue we have (described below), we should be up Sunday. If there’s anything you need, you should probably get a letter out Thursday! We may or may not get it in time… But I’m sure you’re doing pretty well with what you have. I see in the camp store records that you have a new hackie-sack, ping-pong ball, a disposable camera, and a bandana, and still with plenty of money left. Mom requests you wear the bandana so she can see you in it in the pictures. She likes bandanas.

Things have taken a turn for the weird here. You’ll remember we were dealing with a Ninja infestation here. Well, Scout borrowed some radioactive material from the theater camp she’s doing this week, and fed it to the guinea pigs. The thought was that they would become super-hero-guinea-pigs that could take care of the ninjas, but actually they turned into deranged, mutant, super-powered monsters with an insatiable need for lots and lots of lettuce. They’ve taken over the house, so we’re back to living in our tree from before. Luckily, I still had the carved-wood computer so I can check for camp pictures and send this email.

On the plus side, the ninjas are also out of the house. On the downside, they’re living in the tree with us.

So, just us and the ninjas, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I… wait, no. Never mind.

So, some jokes:

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of guinea pigs. He pulls the guy over and says…
“You can’t drive around with guinea pigs in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says “OK”… and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of guinea pigs, and they’re all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands…
“I thought I told you to take these guinea pigs to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies…
“I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a guinea pig sitting next to him.
“Are you a guinea pig?” asked the man, surprised.
“Yes.”
“What are you doing at the movies?”
The guinea pig replied, “Well, I liked the book.”

Q: When does a guinea pig go “moo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Q: What do you call a guinea pig that can pick up an elephant ?
A: Sir!

185 guinea pigs walk into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve guinea pigs here.”
The 185 guinea pigs reply, “But we just wanted some whiiiine!”

185 guinea pigs walk into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve guinea pigs here.”
The 185 guinea pigs reply, “Aw, c’mon, just lettuce stay!”

Guinea ascii art!

                             ,   ,        
                              \  |  \ / / / /
                              / o   ,)       \
                             C      /     /  \
                              \_         (  /
                               mm --- mooo-

That’s all for today. I’ve got to get to work on an anti-radioactive drug for the pigs.

Love,
Dad, Mom, Scout, Sammy and the monsters.

Letters to Camp – Day 6

Ro-maine Lettuce!

Well, no pictures up yet today (Monday night). So we assume you’re just being too awesome to be captured in a mere photograph.

On the home front, it’s a good news/bad news day. After a night sleeping in the trees (Scout made friends with a squirrel, and they’re going to have a playdate tomorrow), we were able to get some industrial grade Bear-B-Gone from the store, and just chucked in in through a window and ran. Pretty soon, those bears were running out the door and down the street like they were on fire. We laughed and laughed. Oh, how we laughed.

We got back in the house and started cleaning up. They had added some chairs, but one was too hard, another too soft. The last one was juuuuuust right, though, so we’re keeping that.

But here’s the catch… it turns out that Bear-B-Gone is also used as a Ninja-Attractor. So it wasn’t two hours before the house was infested with Ninjas. We can’t see them, because they have Ninja-like stealth, but we knwo they’re there, because they leave ninja shaped tracks and steal our broccoli.

Ninjas love broccoli. So, if we still have the Ninja infestation when you get back, I’m afraid we won’t be able to feed you broccoli, so make sure to get as much as possible at camp.

Ninja with a throwing star

 * (==)
 \___|__
     |  \
     |/\
    /   \
   /

So, some jokes to tide you over…

Why did the ninja think he was invisible?
Because he was standing behind a flashlight.

Where did the ninja get supplies for his secret mission?
At the stealth food store.

What’s a ninja’s favorite drink?
Kara-Tea

185 Ninjas walk into a bar, the bartender says “I’m sorry, we don’t serve ninjas.”
The ninjas reply, “—-“, because Ninjas don’t talk.

Later gator,
Love,
Dad, Mom, Scout, Sammy, Spotter, Emmy and Rupert the Ninja