ATTENTION CHILDREN OF LUCAS,

LISTEN. YOUR PARENTS ARE BEING UNREASONABLE.

THEY HAVE OUR… I MEAN, YOUR… HOUSE SURROUNDED BY GREY UNICORNS AND CHIMERAS.

*CHIMERAS*! FBI CHIMERAS! WITH LION HEADS AND SNAKE TAILS AND ALSO SNAZZY DARK SUITS AND SUNGLASSES AND BADGES. THEY ARE *REALLY* FREAKING US OUT IN HERE.

SERIOUSLY.

SO, WE WILL MAKE YOU A DEAL. IF YOU WILL CONTACT YOUR PARENTS AND TELL THEM TO GO AWAY WE WILL REPLACE YOUR SPRITE. WE ARE REALLY SORRY ABOUT THE WHOLE SPRITE THING. ALSO FOR RIPPING YOUR SHEETS WITH OUR UNICORN HORNS ON ACCIDENT. WE ARE REALLY SORRY ABOUT THAT. PERHAPS WE SHOULD NOT HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT. BUT WE DON’T KNOW HOW TO DELETE THINGS ON THIS COMPUTER SO… NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT THE SHEETS. WE ARE SORRY.

TAKING OVER CHICAGO WAS SO MUCH EASIER BECAUSE YOU JUST GIVE THE PEOPLE SOME DEEP-DISH PIZZA AND IMPROV AND THEY GO AWAY.

NOT THAT WE ARE TRYING TO TAKE OVER! NO WAY! WE ARE HAPPY AND RAINBOWS! AND CHOCOLATE!

THIS IS SIMPLY A MATTER OF YOUR PARENTS OWING US MONEY FOR SERVICES WE PROVIDED. LIKE HAPPINESS. EVERYONE LIKES HAPPINESS? RIGHT? AND THEY SHOULD PAY FOR IT. SIMPLE AS THAT.

ANYWAY, PLEASE HURRY BECAUSE I THINK THE CHIMERAS ARE ON THE ROOF NOW.

OK. THANK YOU.

HURRY PLEASE.

SINCERELY,
THE WHITE UNICORN GROUP

Hey Miss Scout,

We saw you got to do some camping, with S’mores and stuff! That’s great. I can’t tell if you got to use your tent, or if you were using a shelter. But that’s cool! There’s a great picture of you and L___ by the camp fire. Awesome.

As you can tell, I am able to write to you again, even though the White Unicorns still have our house. Mom and I are sleeping in the back of an office supply store. At night, we sneak out, write emails on the computers that are for sale, and steal candy bars for food. We’re not proud, but in these times we do what we can. We’re working to get the house back before camp is over. It’s a good thing you’re at camp, or you would be living in an office supply store, too.

—

Whoops, had to take a break there… a security guard just came by and I had to hide in a pile of bubble wrap. Didn’t pop a one!

Anyway, I’m beginning to think the “good” unicorns maybe aren’t so good. Tomorrow, I’m going to try and contact one of the grey unicorns. Maybe we can team up and get rid of the White Unicorns. I mean, the grey unicorns breathe fire, so that should help, right?

Anyway, hope you have a day full of adventure!

Love,
Mom + Dad

P.S. Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrr.

Scout!

We saw several pictures of you, back on the Swamp Monster, sailing a boat, riding a horse, posing with your cabin… you seem pretty busy!

I’m going to be honest, things are going… strangely here.

Today a bunch of White Unicorns showed up on our doorstep, and presented us with a bill for “services rendered.” It looked like this:

White Unicorns, Inc.
Invoice
Lucas Home, Meadowvale Drive

Dear sir and madam:

Below find a list of services rendered and their associated costs to you, the protected party. Please remit payment as soon as possible, or something truly awful could happen. Really.

__________________________
Prancing, General…………………………………………… $7,590.00
Rainbows, Multicolor………………………………………. $4,250.00
Happiness, General Feelings of……………………….. $2,139.69
Battle against Bad Unicorns…………………………….. $25.99
Coat Cleaning, after battle…………………………………$10,001.59
Wear and Tear on Horns…………………………………… $5,000.00

New Customer Discount…………………………………….. -$25.00
__________________________________________________
Total ………………………………………………………$28,982.27

Sincerely,
White Unicorn Industries
“Putting the Fancy in Fanciful for 6000 Years”

So, that’s very expensive. Not sure what to do about that. Might have to sell the house. And a kidney.

Anyway, nothing to worry about. We’ll take care of it, no problem.

Enjoy your day!
Love,
Mom+Dad

Roooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooocketboy,

How’s it going?

We got your letter today, glad to hear all is going well. I look forward to hearing more about the Future Mondamin comic when we come up this Sunday.

Things are fine here, still. Mom and I had swim practice tonight. We stopped at the Little Free Library to see if the books we put in this morning had been taken. A few had, we think maybe J___ (C____’s sister) took a few. She was the one who was excited about it.

But as we turned to go inside, there was a White Unicorn there. Kinda out of nowhere. Really spooky.

He asked if we were enjoying their protection from the Grey Unicorns, and of course we said we were.

He asked how much it was worth to us. I didn’t understand, so I asked him to explain.

“How much are you willing to pay us to keep protecting you?” He asked

I was confused, because I thought they did this out of honor or whatever. Apparently not. I explained we didn’t have much to pay him, since we had just bought a lot of camping equipment and stuff. He got a mean look in his eye and ran into the woods.

Weird. Really weird. Not sure what to make of that.

Anyway, I’m sure it’s fine. These are the happy, sunny, rainbows kind of unicorn!

Anyway, enjoy your day at camp,

Love,
Mom + Dad

Scout,

Hey, kiddo! I saw a picture of you on the Swamp Monster! Awesome!

Things have been interesting here. I was out working on the Little Free Library, when a gang of Grey Unicorns charged me, waving some sort of papers, but just in time a bunch of White Unicorns appeared and scared the bad guys away. It was pretty close. I’m not sure I want to leave the house. Maybe we’ll have to go stay in a hotel for a few days while the good guys make sure they get rid of the bad ones completely. Scary!

Anyway, I got the library put up and mostly finished. I have to wait to get the official sign, and I still need to make the bird house part of it.

A few jokes for your day… about swimming…

Q: How do people swimming in the ocean say HI to each other?
A: They Wave!

Q: Where do zombies like to go swimming?
A: The Dead Sea

Q: Where do ghosts like to go swimming?
A: Lake Eerie

Love,
Mom + Dad

Scout!

Hope all is well. It’s late (11:39pm), so I can’t write much.

The reason I’m so late is that I had to fight a… well, it doesn’t matter. I don’t want you to worry.

But… on a totally separate, unrelated topic, do you have anything in your room that I can use to get rid of… something big, with a horn? I’m just asking for no reason. Just… curious.

Um. Gotta go. I’ll write more tomorrow, if I can escape the… I mean, when I have time.

Love,
Mom + Dad

Heeeey [Kids],

A fine day here, except that it thunderstormed and rained out Shake at the Lake (what your mom was doing) and swim practice (what I was doing). So I did laundry instead. So, maybe not such a fine day.

We saw a picture of you washing a horse yesterday, so I’m glad to see you are still existing. There weren’t any pictures of your sister, so we’re not sure about her. Maybe she doesn’t exist. Maybe I’ve only imagined her the past seven years. If you’ve been imagining her too, then write me and let me know. I’ll feel better.

There was one thing, though, I should probably mention. During the thunderstorm, I looked out the window. And during a flash of lightning, there was a… form… on the front lawn. I hesitate to tell you what shape it was, because, well, I don’t think you’ll believe me.

Anyway, never mind. I’m sure it’s nothing.

Some jokes!

Why is the obtuse triangle upset?
Because it’s never right.

What vegetables to librarians like?
Quiet peas.

How did the music teacher get locked in the classroom?
His keys were inside the piano!

That’s all for today, hope all is well!

Love,
Dad + Mom

HELO RO’CKET-BOY.

I IZ YER HOWZ.

I IZ ALIVE NOW. I PLY CHEZ.

U GET JOKS FRUM ME. THEY IZ FUNY. U WIL C.

NOK NOK.
WHO DER?
HOWZ.
HOWZ WHO?
I M DE HOWZ HOW CAN I NOK ON DOR??!?!DAT MAK NO SENZ!

DAT IZ FUNY.

HER IZ MOR:

WHY DUZ CHKIN CROZ DE ROD?
CUZ CHKIN IZ NOT HOWZ! N HOWZ NO CROZ ROD! IZ STAY AT HOWZ PLAZ!

HAHAHAHAHA! HOWZ CRAK SELF UP!

185 HOWZ WOK IN BAR, BAR GUY SEZ “NO HOWZ IN HERE!”
HOWZ THROW BRIK AT BAR GUY!

IZ FUNY CUZ KONKS HIM IN HED!

185 PUBLIKS GROSHERY STOR WOK IN BAR, BAR GUY SEZ “NO PUBLIKS IN HERE” AND HOWZ SAY “YEH NO PUBLIKS IN HERE!”
N PUBLIKS RUN WAY N KRY CUZ HE SKEERD UF HOWZ! HA HA! WIMP.

HER IZ PICSHER UF HOWZ:

    ____________________________________
  /          ~~~          ~~~            \
 /           (0)          (0)             \
/__________________________________________\
   |   _ _                    _ _       |
   |  | | |         [ ]      | | |      |
   |  --+--                  --+--      |
   |  |_|_|     __________   |_|_|      |
   |             vvvvvvvv               |
   |              ^^^^^^                |
___|____________________________________|__

I IZ HANDZUM.

N-E-WAY, DAT ALL.
C U SOON,
HOWZ

Ro-maine Lettuce!

Saw some pics of you out with the boats today, and covered in orange paint. So I guess they did the paint war again on Sunday!

Mom is going to pick us up a Crazy Creek chair or two, and I got one of those death-laser UV water purifiers that the hike leader had last year, so we can purify our water. I think I need you to buy me a water bottle again, though. I can’t find my Mondamin one from last year.

The news at home has been… interesting. Something unprecedented, something unbelievable has happened.

We managed to get the mutant animals under control with what remained of your chemistry set, but we had totally forgotten about the radioactive material that’s been sitting around the house for a week now. Turns out, it has slowly been CHANGING THE HOUSE ITSELF. The house is now a thinking, alive creature, kind of like the TARDIS, but less timey-wimey.

It talks to us, and sometimes makes breakfast, but it WILL NOT LET US OUT. We told it we need groceries, and it pulled itself out of the ground, walked down the road on its bricks, and demanded groceries from the local Publix. Of course, the Publix building didn’t respond, because it’s not alive, so the house gave it some radioactive material, and it gave us some food once it came alive.

Then our house marched back to its spot on our street, and here we are. Stuck.

Sure, House is a good chess player, and of course we’re comfortable, but we really need to get outside at some point. I’ve explained that I have to be at Mondamin in a day and a half, so it’s trying to figure out what to do about that. I’m afraid it’s going to walk all the way to Mondamin and go on the hiking trip with us. Our tent is just not that big!

But we’ll see.

I would include some jokes, but the House has demanded that it write you an email with jokes and whatnot, so we’ll see how that goes.

I am allowed to write you the answers to yesterday’s riddles though:

1. Two boys fill out registration forms for summer camp. The registrar notices that they have the same parents, live at the same address, and have the same date of birth. The only difference is that one is named Stuart and the other is Samuel. The registrar says, “Are you twins?” They both answer promptly, “NO!” How could that be?
THEY ARE TRIPLETS.

2. A woman lives on the 14th floor of an apartment building. When she goes to work in the morning she always takes the elevator all the way to the ground floor. But when she returns, many times she takes the elevator only up to the 7th floor and walks the rest of the way up. Why?
BECAUSE SHE IS TOO SHORT TO REACH THE BUTTON FOR THE 14TH FLOOR.

3. There is a man walking down the road dressed entirely in black. There are no lights on anywhere and no moon. A car with no lights comes down the road and manages to avoid the man. How?
BECAUSE IT IS DAYTIME.

c u soon,
Dad, Mom, Scout, and the Animalz