Our kids go to camp. They leave us for 2.5 weeks to hike, climb rocks, boat, play tennis, etc. etc. etc. I believe in the power of camp to foster independence and self reliance, and learn a host of skills you just can’t get playing around in the backyard.
In modern camp, we see photos of our kids, whenever they happen to run by the photographer. We can also send them daily emails.
Very quickly I learned that is extraordinarily difficult to come up with something interesting to say. My life quickly feels boring when I try to describe my work-eat-work-home-eat-bed. If something interesting happens, you don’t necessarily want to share because you don’t want the kids to feel like they’re missing anything.
So, jokes are nice. Entertaining, but not likely to generate homesickness. It doesn’t take long, though, to realize that there aren’t that many good jokes out there.
So, I took to weaving fantastical narratives. Usually supernatural events that are clearly fictitious (and mostly calamitous), though presented as reality. A house that becomes self-aware, mutated guinea pigs, evil unicorns. There’s no feelings that they’re missing out on something, since in their heart of hearts, the kids know these things can only happen when they’re at camp. I’m told their camp friends gather around at mail time to hear the latest piece of the ongoing storyline.
This is the first entry for the 2013 storyline, in which our neighborhood is taken over by a Bear Regime. Roan (“RocketBoy”) was at the 2.5 week camp on his own, as Scout had done a 1 week just before. Scout helped with some of the storyline.
This is the 2014 storyline, when both kids were at the 2.5 week camp. This storyline follows the Great Unicorn Infestation.
Which leads us to the 2015 storyline, which took the most planning, and some camp espionage to pull off.
The Day 1 email was just a boring, just-dropped-you-off, have-a-good-time email.
— Saturday, June 6, 2015, First Day of Camp —
Well, it’s been a few hours since we dropped you off, and nothing strange has happened. None of those things you and Scout proposed has occurred, so I guess this is going to be a pretty tame summer.
One exciting thing is that your mom’s friend Richard G__ has offered to give us a new table for the dining room. It needs a little work, but it should be very nice. I’m planning on picking it up tomorrow.
We had dinner with the S__s (since E__ and B__ are at camp, too).
It was tasty, grown-up food you would have hated, so you can be glad you’re not here.
Anyway, that’s all for now. Hopefully, I’ll have some exciting stories about our new table tomorrow!
— Sunday, June 7, 2015 —
Busy day, today. We had S’s mom and C from mom’s work over to help us paint the kitchen. It looks pretty good. Mom said to tell you we painted it a color that looks blue if you believe in unicorns, otherwise, it looks grey.
I went to RG’s house and picked up a new dining table I mentioned in yesterday’s email. It needs a fair amount of work to restore it, but shouldn’t be a problem. R seemed really eager to give it away… I didn’t think it was in that bad a shape, but he seemed really… relieved when I pulled out of the driveway. Go figure!
We saw some pics of Ro petting a horse, and sitting in a group with the mountaineering crew. But you managed to evade the camera the first day. I expect we’ll see you soon… I’m sure you’re having a grand ole’ time.
That’s all we got going here. I’ll end with a joke I read today:
There are two muffins in an oven.
One muffin turns to the other muffin and says, “Boy, it’s hot in here.”
The other muffin says, “OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN.”
Dad + Mom
— Monday, June 8, 2015 —
Ro Ro Ro Your Boat,
Hope your day 3 is cool as can be. Pretty typical day here… work and whatnot. I hung out with Mr. S. while your mom and Dr. S. were off at class. We started putting the kitchen back together after Paintpocolyse 2015.
The one odd thing was that some stuff disappeared from the garage. I had put some ropes and a few other items on top of that Richard Garner’s old table. This evening I was in the garage, and the stuff that was on the table was gone. It was the oddest thing. I mean, who breaks into a garage and steals a few old scrap ropes?
The other odd thing was that underneath the table was a single Teva sandal. It looked exactly like mine, but both of mine are in the closet. So, that’s weird.
Speaking of unexplained mysteries, here’s a couple riddles for you. Answers tomorrow!
1. What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?
2. What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?
Dad & Mom
— Tuesday, June 9, 2015 —
Soooo… hope all is going well there! No pictures posted today, so we’re assuming all is well there.
Things here are… interesting. Several items to discuss:
1. Congratulations, we got the word that you are going to be in the Music Man this fall! You have been cast in two roles: RIVER CITY TEEN and RIVER CITY KIDS BAND. So that should be pretty cool. I think your size allowed you to take on both roles;They put out the call that they needed some more teen-looking boys for the RIVER CITY TEENS roles. Mom mentioned it to Spencer’s mom, and Spencer might be interested, so that would be cool. Anyway, congratulations! First rehearsal is August 15, after school starts up again.
2. I went to help with a swim meet, but it got cancelled due to thunder, so I headed home early. Which is fortunate, because…
3. I came home, your mom was out having dinner with friends. I went to the garage to put away my umbrella, when I heard rustling. As you know, we’ve had some mice in the garage, so I went to investigate. I grabbed a flashlight and shined it up towards the front, and believe it or not, underneath Richard’s table were two kittens, wearing leather jackets!
“Awww shoot!” one of them said.
TALKING KITTENS IN LEATHER JACKETS! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ANYTHING SO CUTE!?! Seriously, I consider myself pretty immune to youtube-cat-videos, but… c’mon. That’s so cute it breaks the cute-meter.
I ran over, tickled their chins, picked them up and just generally went all mushy on them. It was pretty embarrassing, but… cute.
“Dude,” said the other one, “uncool.”
“SAY DUDE AGAIN!” I yelled setting them down, “But let me get my phone first, I gotta record this!”
“NO VIDEO!” They said in unison, and pulled out these cat-toy looking things and pointed them at me. ADORABLE! But who can say no to kittens? So I didn’t get my phone.
Anyway, long story short, they explained that they were just hobo kittens passing through, and would we mind if they crashed in our garage for a few days? “OF COURSE NOT!” I exclaimed, “I WILL GET YOU SAUCERS OF CREAM IMMEDIATELY! Make yourself comfortable!”
So we had a grand old time, and I can’t wait to introduce them to your mom. Sadly, they’ll be gone in a few days, but maybe they’ll want to ride with us up for Family Day. You know, if they’re headed that way anyway. Hobos are usually pretty flexible.
So that’s the story here. Hope you’re having good weather and a grand old time!
Dad and Mom
— Wednesday, June 10, 2015 —
R.O.A.N. (Rational Otter Amalgamated Network),
Howdy! First off, I realized I forgot the answers to the riddles in my
last letter… so here they are:
1. What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?
2. What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?
Well, a very eventful day here. How are things there? They haven’t put
pictures up yet, so I haven’t seen what you’re up to.
We had dinner tonight with the Hobo Kittens. We told them all about
you, showed them your rooms, etc. They were very interested in the fact
that you guys go to Mondamin and Green Cove. And boy, do they know
their history! Very interesting conversationalists. Or maybe
everything they say seems interesting because it is SO CUTE.
Anyway, while they were chatting with your mom over dessert, I went to
the garage to make sure their beds were made up. They like sleeping
underneath Richard’s table for some reason. In their bed, I found a
letter… addressed to me! This is what it said:
DO NOT SHOW THIS TO THE KITTENS.
I have some very important information for you, but I need to make sure
you have received this. If you get this letter, write the name of the
delicious pastry mentioned in the Scout Webcomic on the inside strap of
one of your Teva sandles, and leave it on top of Richard’s table overnight.
AGAIN, DO NOT TELL THE KITTENS.
Sincerely, A Friend”
Well, as you can imagine, I was flabbergasted. I thought about telling
the Hobo Kittens, but then… I don’t know them very well, so, maybe
best to see what’s going on here first. I did what the letter asked,
and placed my sandal on the table.
I’m not sure what that was all about, but I guess we’ll see.
Anyway, I’ll keep you posted! Have a great day!
Dad and Mom
— Thursday, June 11, 2015 —
Revolution Of Animal Nerds,
How’z it going? Hope your week is going great!
Things here are… well, really, really bizarre. I can’t make heads or tails of what is going on. I don’t know why things go all cattywampus whenever you guys go out of town, but, believe it or not, you must keep the weirdness away. Or you absorb it or something.
Yeah, absorb it makes more sense.
Anyway, we played some Wits & Wagers tonight with the Hobo Kittens.
Turns out they are really, really bad at guessing numbers. One question was “What is the world record for most cheeseburgers eaten in 60 seconds?” and they just started laughing and yelling “I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER!” Stuff like that, all evening long.
At one point, I made excuses and went to the garage to see if there was anything there. On top of Richard’s table was a RAT! A big one! But it was wearing an aviator jacket and goggles. He saw me, tapped his feet three times, and disappeared! Right in front of my eyes!
Under the table was another letter:
A few days ago, you found an extra Teva sandal under the table. Look closely at the strap.
BEWARE THE HOBO KITTENS.
I grabbed the extra sandal, flipped over the strap, and there, written in the same place and in the same way as I had written on my sandal, was the word “MOOFIN”.
I gasped, of course, and then from behind me I heard one of the Hobo Kittens.
“Everything all right, human?” it asked. It was looking at me all suspiciously and stuff. WHICH IS SO CUTE! SUSPICIOUS KITTENS! I almost forgot I was terrified!
So, it’s all very strange. What’s up with the rat? Did he write the letter? Do I trust the letter writer who does magic things with my sandals? Or the INCREDIBLY CUTE KITTENS? I mean, really, what could these Kittens do that would be all so bad? Play with yarn until it tangles? Scratch up a sofa?
I’m going to play it safe. Trust no one, keep my laser handy.
Have a good day at camp!
Dad + Mom
— Friday, June 12, 2015 —
I CAN TIP EMALE. I AM HOBO KTEN. VRY HARD 2 TIP WIT PAWZ.
I LIV IN UR CAR HOLE. CAN I HAZ UR SKUTER?
— Saturday, June 13, 2015 —
Stinky Carrots Of Uneducated Tyrannosauruses,
Hope your day is going well! Every picture we see of you on the website has you wearing a riding helmet, so I guess you’re getting a lot of horse-time. Glad to hear it!
So, things here are getting a little tense. Today when I got home, there was an angry-looking Hobo Kitten (I think his name is Pete, but it might have been Jill… they’re twins) waiting for me holding another Table letter.
He thrust it into my hand and asked who it came from. It said:
By now you’ve thought about the sandal, and realized that the one you have now is the same one you put on the table, only it had TRAVELED BACKWARDS THROUGH TIME. Obviously, this is no ordinary table. It is, in fact, a TIME TABLE.
It is vitally important that you do not let the Kittens know that you know it is a Time Table. Things could be very dangerous for you.
I am writing to you from another time period, I can’t say which one.
Keep an eye out for more letters, and I will give you instructions on how to avoid a UNIVERSE-WIDE KITTEN-TASTROPHE.
“Awkwaaaaard,” said Hobo Kitten Pete. He glared at me, casually leaning against the wall, wearing his little leather jacket, and idly flipping open and closed a switchblade knife (where did that come from?)
“SOOOO CUUUUTTEEE!!!” I yelled, and went to fetch him a saucer of milk.
After your mom got home, we all had a good laugh about the silly letters. I mean, really… a Universe-Wide Catastrophe… by Kittens?
Whatever! An obvious prank.
So, we played Apples to Apples until late in the evening, and now I’m going to bed. Hope your day tomorrow is t-riffic!
Dad and Mom
KTEN PETE HEER.
UR SKUTR NO HAZ MOTOR. THAT SUKZ. MY LGZ 2 TINY 2 PUSH SKUTR!
SO I BLEW SKUTR UP WIT DYNO-MIT. BUUM!
UR PARENTS R GOING TO VISIT U TOMORROW SO I CN PLY WIT UR LECTRIK GITAR AL DAY!
WE WIL PLY BASBAL WIT IT! IT WIL MK A GR8 BAT!
[Ed. Note – This email got stuck in Scout’s camp’s email filters and went to the main office somehow. Perhaps the ALL CAPS was a trigger…]
— Sunday, June 14, 2015 —
Family Day at Camp
We came to visit, and I showed a picture of a Hobo Kitten on my phone.
U TOL UR PARMTS ABOT OWR EMALES AND NOW UR PARNTS SED WE NO CAN HAZ CMPUTR N-E MOR.
BUT POOP ON DEM CUZ WE STOL DIS CMPUTR N UR DAD NO CAN TK IT BAK!
NO MOR EMALES FRUM DEM, OWNLY US! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
— Monday, June 15, 2015 —
dis iz da hobo kten agin. we hiss @ u prents n dey iz skerred uv uz now. heh heh. stoopid hoomuns.
dis is da deal. we so kute we can doez n-e-ting we want. so we gon RULE DA WORL.
jus tot u wuld lik 2 no dat.
git reddy 4 da KTEN NASHUN!
— Tuesday, June 16, 2015 —
Serious Cats Over Unicorn Tails,
Hey! Hope your camping is going campily!
We’re doing okay. The Hobo Kittens have taken my computer, so I’m writing this using a computer I made out of sticks and leftover broccoli.
I’m not sure how long this computer is going to last, so I’m going to get to the point. We got a very interesting Table letter today, and it involves you. Here’s what it said:
I need you to contact Scout and Roan and let them know I have left messages for them.
Scout: In front of the Junior 8 cabin, there is a white flag. Near that flag is a tree with many trunks coming out of one trunk. In the middle of that tree, where all the trunks come together, there is a message for you in a bottle. Please get it as soon as you can.
Roan: In front of your cabin, Hemlock Hall, there are bushes. Under the bush furthest away from the Taj is a message in a bottle. Please get it as soon as you can.
Hopefully, Roan and Scout will get this soon enough, while there is still Time.
Signed, a Friend”
I’m just as confused as you are. This may be nonsense, but… I guess you guys should investigate. Send us a letter and let us know what you find!
A quick joke…
What do you call a device that can get spices from the future?
Dad + Mom
P.S. A Thyme Machine.
Stacey “Bob” Lucas
Camp Mondamin, 1922
Okay, I’ve got a lot of things to tell you, so I’m just going to list them out:
1. I am your “Mom from the Future”. In your future, I used the Time Table to travel back to the year 1922, where I am now.
2. The “Hobo Kittens” your father has been writing to you about are actually TIME KITTENS, a dangerous (but cute) species of time-traveling felines whose sole mission is to destroy the universe.
3. The “Friend” who has been sending letters to your father and sent the sandals back in time is me, in 1922. I’ve been dropping letters through the Time Table in an effort to stop the kittens from destroying the universe.
4. The way the Time Kittens are planning to destroy the universe is to travel back to 1922 and stop Mondamin and Green Cove from being created by Frank “Chief” Bell, Sr. Right now, I am pretending to be a Mondamin Camp Counselor named “Bob” (see included photo with me in the dining hall. Like my mustache disguise? It totally works! They don’t suspect a thing!). When the Time Kittens try to travel back and stop Mondamin, I’ll be able to nab them, and turn them over to the Time Rats, who are like police, but for Time Crimes.
5. Here’s where you come in. I can’t send a letter through the Time Table to warn your father and past me, because the Time Kittens might discover it. You need to write a paper letter to me and tell me what the Time Kittens are up to, and tell me to go back in time to stop it. I’ve also left a time capsule for your brother… if you don’t get this, hopefully he will.
If you fail, the universe will be destroyed. No pressure!
Anyway, hope you’re having fun at camp!
Stacey “Bob” Lucas
— Wednesday, June 17, 2015 —
hey- du u no how 2 git rid of RATS? cuz we got RATS heer. Dey iz up 2 sumting sneeky-lik I jus no it.
iz it ok if we giv dem zum of ur coin money? cuz i tink RATS lik shiny tings.
dey is weerink dose goggles dat ole timey pilots weer. may-b dey lik planes? do uz got n-e planes?
i luk arund. may-b uz gotz zum.
p.s. heerz a jok:
Why duz dem RATS croz da rode?
cuz dey do stoopid stuf all da time. dey iz RATS.
— Thursday, June 18, 2015 —
Significant Caterwauling Observed Usually Trumpeting,
Hey kiddo! We got a letter your counselor that said you got on the three day trip, I believe to Black Balsam! Hope the hiking went well! We looked up Black Balsam on the internet, and the views look pretty incredible!
Things here are doing pretty okay. The Hobo Kittens still have my computer and won’t let me use it, so I’ve cobbled together another computer from old DVDs of The Muppet Show, a spool of thread, and 13 volunteer butterflies. I need to make this quick, as the butterflies want to catch The Avengers at the Regal tonight.
Earlier tonight, there was a scuffle in the garage. I went to check it out, and the Hobo Kittens were fending off that rat with the aviator goggles. He was trying to get into the house, but he was no match for the Mighty Hobo Kittens! They pointed those cat toys at him, and bammo! He was gone in a flash. Literally. There was a flash, and he was gone. It was weird.
Anyway, I’m sure glad we have those Hobo Kittens to protect us. You know how your mom feels about rodents. Except Spotter. Spotter is doing fine, by the way. We just got in a fresh load of Bluegrass hay for him, and he’s quite happy.
Anyway, hope all is well!
Dad + Mom
— Friday, June 19, 2015 —
ur sistar skut sent a mail to ur prents n tole dem 2 let uz uze da cmputor, zo we al gud now.
ur prents sez we gotz 2 tell u a ztory or zumzing, not jus steel ur stuf n tel u u iz ztinky.
1s upon a tim, dere wuz a boo-ti-full kten who knowed how 2 travl in tim. zhe travled to man-e tims n stoll stuf and had gud hapy tims. Den zhe chnged tim to da way zhe likd it, zo it wuz betr dan b-4. n da kten wuz rich n stuf, n had lotz o cmputors n snax. de end.
dat wuz a totalee made up ztory. not reel at oll. u lik?
n-e-way, u hav a niz tim in da camp. wile u can! hahahahahahaha!
da rich kten,
— Saturday, June 20, 2015 —
Roan found the time capsule at camp and returned the letter with a note:
Dear Mom & Dad,
Hello! I’m good and having fun at camp and stuff but listen, I need to tell you something. Those Hobo Kittens aren’t actually Hobo Kittens. They are Time Kittens. Here is a letter that you went back in time and gave to me explaining everything. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go. Bye. Hope the universe doesn’t get destroyed.
Rowdy Octagons Arrange Numerically,
Just a quick note to let you know that we received your letter (wink,
wink) and we understand the instructions (wink, wink) and your mom is set to go. Cross your fingers.
Hope all is well, and you had a good dance tonight!
Dad + Mom
U prents sez u probly did zum zort ov dancin stuf 2-nite. u hoomans is krezy, wit da shakin’ o yo booty! Iz ver funy. ktens dun do dat, cuz we iz all dig-ni-fy-ed. daz rite.
heer iz anudder ztory dat u mite lik.
1z up on a tim, dere was a kten and it wuz sooper smart, zo smart dat all da hoomans did wut-ev-r zhe sed. Und dey all livd happy evr afer, exxept da hoomans cuz dey had 2 do all dis nasty stuf for da ktens. lik runnin around chazin laser pointers n stuf. “how do it feel, hoomans!?
u kent catch dat! it im-pos-i-bel!” da kten zhouted. de end.
u lik? gud. mor 2 come!
p.s. hey, wut wuz in dat leter u writ? u prents no tel uz. unfair! why dey hav sekrets? no sektrets frum cute ktens!
— Sunday, June 21, 2015 —
Super Cool Orange Ant Tamer,
The Kittens and I have decided to write you a letter together, since we both want to use the computer, so we’re going to take tur–
hlo scut! dis iz da kten jill. yoo dad tip 2 slo cuz he carez boot spelink. i m much fster.
Spelling is important, Kitten! Your emails are hard to read.
daz nut tru. u can reed me emale no prob rite scut? n-e-way, abut dese RATS. when u git hom u gotz to help uz, scut, b-cuz dey is sooper anoying.
Um. I’m pretty sure you kittens will be gone by then, right Jill? I mean, you are Hobo Kittens, which means you don’t want to stay in one place for too long?
o yez. dats rite. we gotz to be movin suun. da call ov da rode is strong! but i wold haat to leeve dez RATS heer for u. we gotz to tak carez ov dem first.
Very well. Anyway, we saw some GREAT pictures of your overnight trip, Scout. And we saw one of Roan eating a marshmallow, so it seems like all is going according to plan. By the time you get this, you’ll only have a few days left of camp, so I hope you can pack in some more exciting stuff!
und i hopez u r not stiiiiinky, hoooman! u shuld try cleening u-self wit ur tungue. werks 4 uz!
Don’t do that. Have a good day!
Dad + Mom
+ kten jill
— Monday, June 22, 2015 —
Righteous Oligarchy Anarchistic Neanderthal,
Hey there! Dad and the Kittens here. Hope all is well at the ole’
campground. I just got back from swim practice, and woo-eee, was there a scene.
Dere wuz no seen! We wuz purfect b-haavd. Dose life-gards iz dummiez.
You see, the kittens wanted to come to the pool, but I don’t think they understood what a “pool” was, because cats hate water.
WHO DUZNT HAAT WATR? Iz EVIL. Iz… WET! Und zumtims slimy! Datz why we al da tim catch fizh… to SAVE dem frum a lif in dat nast-y watr.
we r heros.
Yes, but they got to the pool and started screeching and hissing at the people in the water, and trying to get as far away from it as possible by climbing up the lifeguard chairs and clinging to the heads of the lifeguards.
Dat iz da bes place to zee da peepol zo we cud warn dem dat dey is IN DA EVIL WATR!
So the kittens are banned from the pool. Enough said.
We cud go back. We jus don wan 2.
Okay. Well, that’s all the news here. Have a great day tomorrow, and we’ll see you in a couple days!
Dad + Mom
kten pete + kten jill
— Tuesday, June 23, 2015 —
Severely Creative Ostriches Understand Technology,
Well, Scout, this is my last email before we come to pick you up in a couple days, and a lot’s been going on here, and I can tell you all about it now.
As you probably guessed, thanks to the letter we received from camp, your mom slipped back in time to the year 1922 using the Time Table.
Her mission was to wait for the Time Kittens, Jill and Pete, to make their move to try and stop the creation of Camp Mondamin, and eventually Camp Green Cove.
With the aid of two Time Rats, Puffy and Winkernoodle, she blended into the first camp season as a boy counselor named Bob. Puffy and Windernoodle dressed up as her dogs. They lived at Mondamin for 6 months, so now she is an expert in 1922 camping technology.
Finally, Pete and Jill made their move, jumping into the Time Table and landing late in 1922, ready to charm Frank “Chief” Bell, Sr. into turning Mondamin into a catnip farm. Just when Chief was getting ready to sign over the deed to the Time Kittens and make it his life work to make film clips of kittens doing cute things to show the world, “Bob”, Puffy and Windernoodle burst in, revealed their plan and put the Kittens in Time Handcuffs.
“Bah! We wud hav gottn away wit it, 2, if it wernt fur dose meddling RATS,” they said, as they were led off to Time Jail.
Your mom bid them and Chief farewell, and jumped back through the Time Table to this evening. We celebrated by shaving off her mustache and ordering Chinese food.
I think you can be proud that you averted disaster, for had Camp Mondamin not been created, then a rip in the space/time continuum would have destroyed the universe as we know it, and probably left something horrible in its place, like a 24 Hour Waffle House.
Tonight, I took apart the Time Table and destroyed the time traveling mechanism. Something like that is just too dangerous to keep around.
You never know when more Time Kittens might show up.
That’s all to report. I’ll see you Thursday morning, have a great last couple days!
Dad + Mom
P.S. The Grey Unicorns stopped by to say “hey”. They’re in town for a Unicorn Convention.
Well, it’s the last night before we journey up to see you guys for the parent overnight trips. It’s possible you’ve already seen us by the time you get this email. In fact, we may be standing RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
Things have been pretty eventful here, though from the letters Andrew and Little write about camp, it seems like you guys have been having a busy time as well.
You’re probably wondering how the whole unicorn thing turned out. You may have already seen us at camp, and asked “How did the unicorn thing turn out?” To which we probably replied, “Wait for the letter. It explains everything.” So here’s the letter.
Yesterday, Star-sky and Hootch the Chimeras, the Grey Unicorns and your mom and I rode over to the house in an FBI van. There was all sorts of equipment in there… body heat scanners, tazer guns, magic detectors, gummy bears, stun grenades… just everything you’d expect in a high-tech van like that. Except for cup holders. I really thought there would be cup holders. Frankly, I was a bit disappointed in that.
So, we parked outside the house, and it was obvious that the White Unicorns were having a housewarming party inside. Lots of music, disco balls, cheese dip. It made me so mad, I almost dropped my can of Coke, which I couldn’t set down because, y’know, no cup holders.
Anyway, Star-sky, who’s the brains of the outfit, gives the signal and we all pile out of the van and spread across the front yard, real sneaky-like. We were wearing regulation FBI sneakers just for that reason.
Hootch gets on the loudspeaker and warns them that the gig is up, they’re surrounded, and they need to come out peacefully and leave. The music inside shuts off, and a bunch of White Unicorns come to the window and look real scared when they see us and the FBI van, which they know is full of all kinds of high-tech stuff, not to mention gummy bears, in case we get hungry.
We watch them arguing, and then one of the Grey Unicorns that has gone around back reports that one of the White Unicorns is frantically writing an email to someone. I’m not sure who, but I guess we’ll never know, since they deleted all the emails they sent.
Star-sky tells them that time is up, and they don’t come out. So the Chimeras and Grey Unicorns bust in through the front door. Star-sky asked your mom and I to stay outside, because that is the toughest job, to stand outside and make sure none of the Unicorns gets away. He said that only the bravest and most skilled get the waiting outside job. You’re probably pretty impressed by that. Right?
All we see is a bunch of rainbows shooting out the windows and whinnies and neighs and tazer sounds and something that sounds like a snake roaring, which is an odd sound in itself.
Finally, it quiets down, and your mom and I can’t wait outside anymore. We go in, and the White Unicorns are all in handcuffs and the Chimeras and Unicorns are giving each other High Ones and eating celebratory gummy bears.
Hootch has a big cut on his shoulder, and it looks pretty painful. I point out that the Unicorn horn has magical healing properties according to the CDC, and he’s all “awesome!” and rubs it on a White Unicorn’s horn, and it totally healed!
Pinky the White Unicorn looks at me and asks, “What’s that Coke for?”
I tell him there was no cup holder in the van, and he gets all angry and yells at his buddy, “Why didn’t you TELL me they didn’t have cup holders? We could have used that to our advantage!”
But it’s too late, and now everyone has cleared out, and we’ve cleaned up the hoof prints and Sprite cans.
Just in time to get packed for the overnights. It’ll be good to get back to normal around here.
Just as soon as we deal with the magical spiders.
See you soon!
ATTENTION CHILDREN OF LUCAS,
LISTEN. YOUR PARENTS ARE BEING UNREASONABLE.
THEY HAVE OUR… I MEAN, YOUR… HOUSE SURROUNDED BY GREY UNICORNS AND CHIMERAS.
*CHIMERAS*! FBI CHIMERAS! WITH LION HEADS AND SNAKE TAILS AND ALSO SNAZZY DARK SUITS AND SUNGLASSES AND BADGES. THEY ARE *REALLY* FREAKING US OUT IN HERE.
SO, WE WILL MAKE YOU A DEAL. IF YOU WILL CONTACT YOUR PARENTS AND TELL THEM TO GO AWAY WE WILL REPLACE YOUR SPRITE. WE ARE REALLY SORRY ABOUT THE WHOLE SPRITE THING. ALSO FOR RIPPING YOUR SHEETS WITH OUR UNICORN HORNS ON ACCIDENT. WE ARE REALLY SORRY ABOUT THAT. PERHAPS WE SHOULD NOT HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT. BUT WE DON’T KNOW HOW TO DELETE THINGS ON THIS COMPUTER SO… NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT THE SHEETS. WE ARE SORRY.
TAKING OVER CHICAGO WAS SO MUCH EASIER BECAUSE YOU JUST GIVE THE PEOPLE SOME DEEP-DISH PIZZA AND IMPROV AND THEY GO AWAY.
NOT THAT WE ARE TRYING TO TAKE OVER! NO WAY! WE ARE HAPPY AND RAINBOWS! AND CHOCOLATE!
THIS IS SIMPLY A MATTER OF YOUR PARENTS OWING US MONEY FOR SERVICES WE PROVIDED. LIKE HAPPINESS. EVERYONE LIKES HAPPINESS? RIGHT? AND THEY SHOULD PAY FOR IT. SIMPLE AS THAT.
ANYWAY, PLEASE HURRY BECAUSE I THINK THE CHIMERAS ARE ON THE ROOF NOW.
OK. THANK YOU.
THE WHITE UNICORN GROUP
It was great to see you today! Hope you got some rest before the big afternoon games!
We had a bit of an adventure this afternoon after we left you. As we were driving home, we got to talking with the J_____s about our unicorn problem, and N____ was telling us how unicorn horn (made of a substance called alicorn) has magical properties that can cure poisons, and they use it all the time at the Center for Disease Control where she works. So that was interesting information, not sure how I’m going to use that, but you never know when it might come in handy.
And then R____ told us how they keep a few Chimeras at the FBI, you know, for emergencies. Have you ever heard of a Chimera? They’re often referred to as the Chinese Unicorn, but they have the front of a lion, tail of a snake, and a goat in between. Also, like the Grey Unicorns, they breathe fire. The ones in the FBI are well trained in combat, and carry badges. They’re apparently quite the wise-crackers, too. Always with the jokes.
185 Chimeras walk into a bar, the bartender says, “I’m sorry we don’t serve Chimeras here.” The Chimeras respond, “Are you lion? That really gets my goat.”
Y’know, jokes like that.
Anyway, R____ said he could loan us a couple to help out with our White Unicorn problem. So, two Chimeras, Star-sky and Hootch, are hanging out with us at the office supply store tonight. They are so funny, I don’t even mind that they burned my eyebrows accidentally.
Tomorrow, Operation Take Back the House!
We’ll let you know how it goes.
ATTENTION LUCAS CHILD.
THIS IS THE WHITE UNICORN GROUP.
WE ARE UNABLE TO LOCATE YOUR PARENTS. OUR AGENTS SAY THEY WERE SEEN HEADING TOWARDS NORTH CAROLINA.
IF YOU SEE THEM, PLEASE LET THEM KNOW WE NEED THE KEYS TO YOUR AUTOMOBILES. WE WANT TO DRIVE TO GET SOME PIZZA. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY, BECAUSE WE HAVE DRANK ALL YOUR SPRITE AND WE ARE HUNGRY.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE IN THIS.
THE WHITE UNICORNS
We saw some more pictures of you horseback riding and hanging out at the barn. Excellent! I hope your adventure is continuing.
Things here are going pretty well. I’ve decided that I actually *like* living in an office supply store. I’m a big fan of pens and pencils, and there’s nice desks and computers all over. I’m thinking we should all just live here.
Today, I searched the neighborhood and found a Grey Unicorn. It didn’t attack me or anything. It was actually… nice.
We had a long conversation, and what I learned is this: The Grey Unicorns are a group that are trying to keep the White Unicorns from stealing everyone’s houses. Apparently, they’ve already taken over Chicago and parts of Los Angeles.
That day the Grey Unicorn was “attacking” me, he was really trying to show me newspaper articles about the house stealing. Now I feel foolish.
So, we’re formulating a plan. We’ll have to do it after we get back from visiting camp, but we’ll see how it goes then.
Until then, I’ve got a nice cubby in the office supply store back room that’s perfect for you. All the staples you want!
Hey Miss Scout,
We saw you got to do some camping, with S’mores and stuff! That’s great. I can’t tell if you got to use your tent, or if you were using a shelter. But that’s cool! There’s a great picture of you and L___ by the camp fire. Awesome.
As you can tell, I am able to write to you again, even though the White Unicorns still have our house. Mom and I are sleeping in the back of an office supply store. At night, we sneak out, write emails on the computers that are for sale, and steal candy bars for food. We’re not proud, but in these times we do what we can. We’re working to get the house back before camp is over. It’s a good thing you’re at camp, or you would be living in an office supply store, too.
Whoops, had to take a break there… a security guard just came by and I had to hide in a pile of bubble wrap. Didn’t pop a one!
Anyway, I’m beginning to think the “good” unicorns maybe aren’t so good. Tomorrow, I’m going to try and contact one of the grey unicorns. Maybe we can team up and get rid of the White Unicorns. I mean, the grey unicorns breathe fire, so that should help, right?
Anyway, hope you have a day full of adventure!
Mom + Dad
P.S. Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrr.
GREETINGS! I AM PINKY RAINBOWTON, THE WHITE UNICORN IN CHARGE OF THE YOUR FAMILY’S ACCOUNT.
BECAUSE PAYMENTS FOR OUR SERVICES HAVE NOT BEEN RECEIVED BY WHITE UNICORN INDUSTRIES, WE HAVE TEMPORARILY CONFISCATED YOUR HOME AND ALL BELONGINGS, INCLUDING THIS EMAIL ACCOUNT.
YOUR PARENTS ASKED US TO SEND THIS EMAIL SO YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND WHY THEY COULD NOT SEND AN EMAIL. THEY ARE CURRENTLY LIVING IN A TENT AT THE PARK. WE LET THEM KEEP THE TENT BECAUSE WE ARE NICE, HAPPY UNICORNS WITH RAINBOWS AND THINGS LIKE THAT.
AT LEAST THEY WILL GET PRACTICE FOR YOUR CAMPING TRIP! HA HA! I AM FUNNY UNICORN!
ANYWAY, YOUR THINGS SHOULD BE RETURNED TO YOUR FAMILY SOON, AS YOUR PARENTS ARE BUSY RAISING THE MONEY.
IN THE MEANTIME, I AM ENJOYING YOUR WII FIT. I LIKE THE MUD GAME. IS VERY FUNNY!
THAT IS ALL. YOU MAY RETURN TO YOUR CAMPING.
PINKY RAINBOWTON, ESQ.
P.S. HOPE YOU HAVE A FUN DAY. SEE? I AM FUNNY, NICE UNICORN FOR SAYING THAT. NOT A MEAN HOME STEALER AT ALL! HA HA! IF ANYONE SAYS I STEAL HOMES, THEY ARE LYING. IF YOU HEAR THAT, LET ME KNOW WHO IT WAS. I WILL TALK TO THEM. NICELY. BECAUSE I AM HAPPY UNICORN! HA HA!
IF THEY SAY UNICORNS STEAL HOMES, THEY ARE PROBABLY THINKING OF THE GREY UNICORNS, BECAUSE THEY ARE BAD, LET ME TELL YOU. OH YES.
We saw several pictures of you, back on the Swamp Monster, sailing a boat, riding a horse, posing with your cabin… you seem pretty busy!
I’m going to be honest, things are going… strangely here.
Today a bunch of White Unicorns showed up on our doorstep, and presented us with a bill for “services rendered.” It looked like this:
White Unicorns, Inc.
Lucas Home, Meadowvale Drive
Dear sir and madam:
Below find a list of services rendered and their associated costs to you, the protected party. Please remit payment as soon as possible, or something truly awful could happen. Really.
Prancing, General…………………………………………… $7,590.00
Rainbows, Multicolor………………………………………. $4,250.00
Happiness, General Feelings of……………………….. $2,139.69
Battle against Bad Unicorns…………………………….. $25.99
Coat Cleaning, after battle…………………………………$10,001.59
Wear and Tear on Horns…………………………………… $5,000.00
New Customer Discount…………………………………….. -$25.00
White Unicorn Industries
“Putting the Fancy in Fanciful for 6000 Years”
So, that’s very expensive. Not sure what to do about that. Might have to sell the house. And a kidney.
Anyway, nothing to worry about. We’ll take care of it, no problem.
Enjoy your day!
How’s it going?
We got your letter today, glad to hear all is going well. I look forward to hearing more about the Future Mondamin comic when we come up this Sunday.
Things are fine here, still. Mom and I had swim practice tonight. We stopped at the Little Free Library to see if the books we put in this morning had been taken. A few had, we think maybe J___ (C____’s sister) took a few. She was the one who was excited about it.
But as we turned to go inside, there was a White Unicorn there. Kinda out of nowhere. Really spooky.
He asked if we were enjoying their protection from the Grey Unicorns, and of course we said we were.
He asked how much it was worth to us. I didn’t understand, so I asked him to explain.
“How much are you willing to pay us to keep protecting you?” He asked
I was confused, because I thought they did this out of honor or whatever. Apparently not. I explained we didn’t have much to pay him, since we had just bought a lot of camping equipment and stuff. He got a mean look in his eye and ran into the woods.
Weird. Really weird. Not sure what to make of that.
Anyway, I’m sure it’s fine. These are the happy, sunny, rainbows kind of unicorn!
Anyway, enjoy your day at camp,
Mom + Dad