Bedtime

In protest of bedtime last night, Scout ran around the house, hid behind curtains, doors and in the garage, and eventually scrambled under the bed in her brother’s room, clinging to the support beams.

This was after Stacey had already spent 45 minutes trying to get her to sleep with books and whatnot.

I had to pull her out by the ankles, causing some light rug burns, which became the topic of a 30 minute screaming lecture.

So, probably not getting a “World’s Best Dad” coffee mug for Xmas again this year.

Breakfast

RB: I’ll prove I’m more knowledgeable than you. What were the names of the people on the Lewis and Clark expedition, not including Sacagawea?
Scout: THOSE AREN’T EVEN REAL WORDS.

RB: What should I give up for Lent?
Me: I have decided both of you are giving up your parents for Lent. We’ll go to Maui, and you guys can take care of the house and get yourselves to school.
RB: I… don’t want that.
Scout: *I’m* okay with that.

Three Conversations in the Car Today, With Scout

I generally spend about 40 minutes a day in the car with Scout, driving back and forth to school. She pretty much talks non-stop the whole way, unless I can distract her with Pokemon music for a while. Today’s conversations, while not out of the ordinary, were somewhat easily excerpted.

On the phone with Stacey when the call gets dropped.
Me: Hello? Huh, your mom’s phone cut out.
Scout: She hung up on you.
Me: I don’t think–
Scout: She broke up with you.
Me: What?
Scout: Right now, she’s at home smashing up your wedding pictures.
Me: That’s–
Scout: She’s putting them back up with Xs on your face.
Me: That’s… really dark.
Scout: Yeah, I’m harsh.

Me: Mom’s car died, so we may need to go pick her up.
Scout: Mom’s car is DEAD?!
Me: Well, the battery is dead.
Scout: Ooo, this would make a good play. Okay, let’s do a play.
Me: A play?
Scout: Yeah, you do your line.
Me: Mom’s car died, so we may need to go pick her up.
Scout: (screaming) MOM’S CAR IS DEAD?! BURY IT!
Me: No, just her battery.
Scout: THE BATTERY IS DEAD! THE CAR IS DEAD! WE MUST BURY THE CAR!
Me: Um, we can fix it.
Scout: YOU CAN’T FIX A CAR! JUST LIKE PEOPLE! YOU CAN’T FIX PEOPLE!
Me: But a doctor can fix a person.
Scout: NOT IF THEY’RE DEAD!
Me: … Good point.
Scout: BURY THE CAR!
Me: That seems a little drastic.
Scout: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT DRASTIC MEANS! BURY THE CAR!

Scout: Is there a heaven?
Me: We don’t really know. Some people believe so.
Scout: Why don’t we know?
Me: Because the only people who would go there are dead, and can’t talk.
Scout: (thinks) What if we pretend to die, and go to heaven, and then come back and tell everybody?
Me: How would you pretend to die?
Scout: You would just lie down, with your tongue sticking out.
Me: Well, you can try. Let me know how it goes.
Scout: (thinks) Actually, I don’t want to do that.
Me: Why?
Scout: Because what if I had my backpack on when I pretended to die, and took it to heaven, but accidentally left it there?
Me: I guess that would be a problem.
Scout: My Pokemon are in the backpack, and I don’t want to lose them, so I’m not going to heaven.
Me: Fair enough.

Tiny Auto Mechanic

Yesterday morning, my car wouldn’t start… the battery appeared to be low.

But Scout was not having any of that explanation.  She announced, after casting a keen eye over the vehicle, that the problem was the tires were stuck in the mud and all the air had been pulled out of them.  Furthermore, if she were to stick her Nintendo DS into the engine compartment, that would probably fix it.  Also, try honking the horn.

I expect her diagnostic bill to come to somewhere around $750.

Bat-Bedtime

Me: Alright, bath’s over.  Time to get ready for bed.

Scout: I am a bat!

Me: Um.  What?

Scout: See?  Bat! (Holding towel like bat wings)  And I am the Big Bat.  I am in charge.  There was an old Big Bat, but he died, and left me the Biggest Bat, so I’m in charge now.  If you become a bat, you can be in charge, but I am in charge now.

Me: I don’t need to be a bat, I just need you to go to bed.

Scout: But bats stay awake at night, and sleep during the day.  So I… am… outahere! (flys away)

Me: You’re going to make me become a bat, aren’t you?

Scout: (from the other room) Yes!

On evildoers/parenting

Scout has a defiant streak in her. Well, really, she IS a defiant streak.

What’s interesting is that it’s not a pouty defiance, it is a proud, superhero-like defiance, as if we were super-villians trying to destroy the city, and she has stopped us.

Us: Scout, will you put on your shoes so we can go?
Scout: NEVER! (flies off)

NEVER! is her catchphrase. It is effective, as it is amusing every time she says it, and it’s hard to get angry. She delivers it in the same way Christopher Reeve might say “Your reign of terror is over, evildoer.”

I don’t know where it came from. A friend? A TV Show?

Probably, we will NEVER know.

From Stacey’s Facebook status:

Scout: Mom, you need to take a class on how to take care of kids who don’t listen.

These are the jokes, people.

Scout: Knock Knock.

Me: Who’s there?

Scout: Annoying Cow.

Me: Annoying Cow who?

(pause)

Scout: Wait. You’re supposed to talk slow.

Me: Did you mean to say Interrupting Cow?

Scout: What?

Me: Never mind.

Scout: Knock knock.

Me: Who’s there?

Scout: Annoying Cow.

Me: Annoying Cow who?

(pause)

Scout: You’re still talking too fast. Talk sloooooower.

Me: I think you mean Interrupting Cow.

Scout: En-rup-thing cow?

Me: Sure.

Scout: Knock Knock.

Me: Who’s there?

Scout: En-rup-thing Cow.

Me: Ennnnn-ruuuuup-thiiiiiiii–

Scout: MOOOOOOO!

Me: You know… maybe Annoying Cow IS more appropriate.

—-

Scout: Knock Knock.

Me: Who’s there?

Scout: Scout.

Me: Scout who?

(pause)

Scout: (whispers) Dad, I need something funny about Scout.

Me: Oh, what isn’t funny about Scout?

Performance Anxiety

The other day, Scout told steakums that she couldn’t go to her new school because they will want her to spell “spider” and she can’t spell “spider”, so she will get in trouble and she doesn’t want to get in trouble, and also they won’t let her wear pajamas.

Stacey explained that she won’t have to know how to spell “spider” but Scout just takes this as proof that we don’t know anything about how the real world works. We are naive if we don’t think she’s going to have to know how to spell “spider”. Seriously.