Bedtime

In protest of bedtime last night, Scout ran around the house, hid behind curtains, doors and in the garage, and eventually scrambled under the bed in her brother’s room, clinging to the support beams.

This was after Stacey had already spent 45 minutes trying to get her to sleep with books and whatnot.

I had to pull her out by the ankles, causing some light rug burns, which became the topic of a 30 minute screaming lecture.

So, probably not getting a “World’s Best Dad” coffee mug for Xmas again this year.

Dinner conversations

Dinner at home.

RocketBoy: Warnado [a Skylander] is coming down in price. I’m going to wait until it gets really cheap.

Me: That’s a good plan. It’s also good for computers. Buy the computer that was the fastest, hottest thing two years ago.

Stacey: And cars.

Me: And cars.

Stacey: And women. Go for one that’s been turned down by a bunch of guys.

Me: No, you go top of the line with women.

Stacey: And toilet paper.

Me: And toilet paper. Women and toilet paper. Don’t skimp on them.

RB: I think I’ll go for the woman who’s been turned down a lot. If they’re desperate, they’ll like me.

Me: No! You won’t respect a woman who’s desperate. You want one that you respect and will inspire you.

Stacey: Yeah, you want one that’s in your league. An equal.

RB: A desperate woman *will* be in my league.

Stacey: We’re going to work on your self esteem.

Scout: Are you guys talking about Skylanders?

SH*#@ My Family Says, That We Make Into Facebook Statuses

Scout: Is Donna Summer a zombie now? Does she eat brains? Is she going to come and eat my brains?
Ryan: (to Stacey) I wanted to get a daughter with an off button, but *you* said it was too expensive.

Scout: For daddy’s birthday, let’s get him something from that guy who wrote “The Cat in the Hat.” You know…the time traveler guy.

Too many Doctors to keep track.

Today, Scout was climbing on Stacey’s car.
Stacey: Do you think you’re in a rock ‘n roll video?
Scout: Your car isn’t cool enough to be in a rock ‘n roll video.

Wed is talent show day in Mr. K’s class.
RocketBoy: I think I’ll do an improv act. Mr. K can help.
Ryan: Is Mr. K a trained improviser?
RB: He’s a teacher. He improvises just to get through the day!

Stacey: An expression I never said at 9-years-old: When in doubt, google it out!

Scout: Put on Joan Jett’s School Days.
Rocketboy: Uhg! Why do we have to listen to this song?
Scout: I like School Days….even if it’s not as good as Cherry Bomb.

Stacey: Listening to Rocketboy make “zombie sucking your brains out” noises while doing his math homework. Boy knows how to multi-task.

Stacey: If I’ve accomplished nothing else during my career as an arts administrator, I take satisfaction in knowing that I’ve taught my grasshoppers to always pack extra undergarments on gala day. #soggybenefits

Stacey: When my kids play the staring contest game, they call it Weeping Angels.

Me: Scout is growing her hair for kindergarten.
RB: girls with long hair get the boys.
Me: Do you care about getting boys?
Scout: I already got all the boys in pre-K so it’s time for me to move up a level.

Stacey: I thanked Scout for our marathon day of Chinese School Field Day, Inman Park Fest & dinner at Doc Chey’s. She said, “I need to thank you. You’re the one who planned it.” #ihavethebestestkids

Me: So, would you like to see Joan Jett in concert?
Scout: I would LOVE to see Joan Jett in concert! I love her songs so much! (pause) But it will never happen because she’s so old.

Scout: I bet taking care of two kids is a little easier than taking care of an entire farm. #randomthoughtoftheday

Stacey: Do you want to go to Shakespeare’s Birthday or the multi-cultural fair?
Scout: I’ll go to the fair. But, I’ll make a birthday card for Shakespeare. He’ll be very sad that I didn’t make it this year.

Stacey: Recently, Rocketboy and his friends have started solo-roaming the neighborhood on bikes/scooters. They’ll burst into the house, eating and drinking everything in site, and then head out again leaving a path of destruction behind them. I think, “This is my future.” Then I realize, “No, this is actually my present.” It sort of freaks me out.

Scout: So, I’ve thought about it and I don’t want to get a job in The Hunger Games.

Scout: Darn it!
Me: What’s wrong?
S: I’m trying to get the dog to eat my homework and he won’t do it!

The first thing Rocketboy said after a week away: “So, how are The Hunger Games going for you?”

Me (looking for my phone): Rocketboy had it. I took it away from him before he accidentally called someone.
Scout: When I play with your phone, I like to accidentally call [Stacey’s former boss] Richard Garner.

(On the deck, grilling dinner. Rocketboy comes out)
RB: Dad, you may be asking yourself, “what are ‘extra levels’ in Skylanders”?
Me: I might, but what’s more likely is that *you* are asking *yourself*, “Why am I out on the deck in my underwear?”
RB: Oh… yeah.

Me: Hey, Rocketboy, tell your sister I picked up some doughnuts.
RB: Hey Scout! We’ve got doughnuts! And they’re FILLED WITH SUGAR!!

Me: My son doesn’t believe me when I tell him Susan B. Anthony and Lyndon B. Johnson’s middle names were Beatrice, except they didn’t like Beatrice, they just liked B and that’s all. It’s like he *wants* to fail the CRCT.

Scout is drawing.
Me: Who is that in the tree?
scout: You.
me: What am I doing in a tree?
scout: Spying on mommy.
me: why?
Scout: To see if she’s not going to work. (thinks) I should draw her a map to work, so you don’t bust her.

(in the car)
Scout: Are you going to eat your bag of M&Ms?
RocketBoy: No.
Scout: Then I won’t either.
RocketBoy: You should make your own decisions, Scout. Eat them if you want.
Scout: But I need you to eat yours first.
RocketBoy: Why?
Scout: Because if I eat mine, and I see you still have yours, I will be hungry.
RocketBoy: Fine, I’ll eat mine.
Scout: Me, too, then.
(later)
RocketBoy: Okay, I’m done.
Scout: HA! I STILL GOT MINE, ‘CAUSE I DON’T EAT AT STOPLIGHTS!

While playing “store” –
Scout: “I’ll pay with my credit card.”
Ryan J. Lucas: “How will you pay for your credit card bill?”
Scout: “A credit. card. bill.?”
Ryan explains.
Scout: OK, this isn’t a credit card anymore. It’s a gift card.

RB: I’ll prove I’m more knowledgeable than you. What were the names of the people on the Lewis and Clark expedition, not including Sacagawea?
Scout: THOSE AREN’T EVEN REAL WORDS.

M&Ms in the Car

(in the car)
Scout: Are you going to eat your bag of M&Ms?
RocketBoy: No.
Scout: Then I won’t either.
RocketBoy: You should make your own decisions, Scout. Eat them if you want.
Scout: But I need you to eat yours first.
RocketBoy: Why?
Scout: Because if I eat mine, and I see you still have yours, I will be hungry.
RocketBoy: Fine, I’ll eat mine.
Scout: Me, too, then.
(later)
RocketBoy: Okay, I’m done.
Scout: HA! I STILL GOT MINE, ‘CAUSE I DON’T EAT AT STOPLIGHTS!

Breakfast

RB: I’ll prove I’m more knowledgeable than you. What were the names of the people on the Lewis and Clark expedition, not including Sacagawea?
Scout: THOSE AREN’T EVEN REAL WORDS.

RB: What should I give up for Lent?
Me: I have decided both of you are giving up your parents for Lent. We’ll go to Maui, and you guys can take care of the house and get yourselves to school.
RB: I… don’t want that.
Scout: *I’m* okay with that.

Three Conversations in the Car Today, With Scout

I generally spend about 40 minutes a day in the car with Scout, driving back and forth to school. She pretty much talks non-stop the whole way, unless I can distract her with Pokemon music for a while. Today’s conversations, while not out of the ordinary, were somewhat easily excerpted.

On the phone with Stacey when the call gets dropped.
Me: Hello? Huh, your mom’s phone cut out.
Scout: She hung up on you.
Me: I don’t think–
Scout: She broke up with you.
Me: What?
Scout: Right now, she’s at home smashing up your wedding pictures.
Me: That’s–
Scout: She’s putting them back up with Xs on your face.
Me: That’s… really dark.
Scout: Yeah, I’m harsh.

Me: Mom’s car died, so we may need to go pick her up.
Scout: Mom’s car is DEAD?!
Me: Well, the battery is dead.
Scout: Ooo, this would make a good play. Okay, let’s do a play.
Me: A play?
Scout: Yeah, you do your line.
Me: Mom’s car died, so we may need to go pick her up.
Scout: (screaming) MOM’S CAR IS DEAD?! BURY IT!
Me: No, just her battery.
Scout: THE BATTERY IS DEAD! THE CAR IS DEAD! WE MUST BURY THE CAR!
Me: Um, we can fix it.
Scout: YOU CAN’T FIX A CAR! JUST LIKE PEOPLE! YOU CAN’T FIX PEOPLE!
Me: But a doctor can fix a person.
Scout: NOT IF THEY’RE DEAD!
Me: … Good point.
Scout: BURY THE CAR!
Me: That seems a little drastic.
Scout: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT DRASTIC MEANS! BURY THE CAR!

Scout: Is there a heaven?
Me: We don’t really know. Some people believe so.
Scout: Why don’t we know?
Me: Because the only people who would go there are dead, and can’t talk.
Scout: (thinks) What if we pretend to die, and go to heaven, and then come back and tell everybody?
Me: How would you pretend to die?
Scout: You would just lie down, with your tongue sticking out.
Me: Well, you can try. Let me know how it goes.
Scout: (thinks) Actually, I don’t want to do that.
Me: Why?
Scout: Because what if I had my backpack on when I pretended to die, and took it to heaven, but accidentally left it there?
Me: I guess that would be a problem.
Scout: My Pokemon are in the backpack, and I don’t want to lose them, so I’m not going to heaven.
Me: Fair enough.

Tiny Auto Mechanic

Yesterday morning, my car wouldn’t start… the battery appeared to be low.

But Scout was not having any of that explanation.  She announced, after casting a keen eye over the vehicle, that the problem was the tires were stuck in the mud and all the air had been pulled out of them.  Furthermore, if she were to stick her Nintendo DS into the engine compartment, that would probably fix it.  Also, try honking the horn.

I expect her diagnostic bill to come to somewhere around $750.

Weekend ReMix

So, on my bachelor weekend, I turned to hookers and blow.

And by “hookers”, I mean “home projects”.  And by “blow”, I mean “pizza”.

I installed shelving along one wall of the garage, and organized it all.  Hopefully, it will stay that way.  We still have Too Many Things in there, that needs to be addressed.

I worked on the countertop mods around the stove, cutting and staining the wood that will go there.  I removed the backsplash behind the oven, and cleaned and painted the walls.  Painted the cabinet door from the old stove.

All in all, it was about 14 hours of work.  Then did the regular house cleaning and laundry.  It was nice to control my own schedule and just power through the jobs.

Stacey and Scout had a great time with friends in Pigeon Forge, doing a mountain hike and OHMIGODWESWAMINTHEHOTTUB.

They traveled with Scout’s friend L__ and her family up to meet a group of other old friends.  All told, there were about 8 or 9 kids to play with, and the adults could pretty much gab uninterrupted.

On the way home, they stopped somewhere called Goats on the Roof, which had… goats on the roof.  You could feed the goats, reportedly.  There, on the roof.

RocketBoy got back from his world tour.  He said he was sad we weren’t there; He felt like the family should have been with him, at least at Rock City.  I promised we could go back as a family, and he could be our guide.

I dropped him off Saturday morning, and then traveled up to their first stop at the Chattahoochee Nature Center for the Earth Day Kids festival.  Parking was full, so I had to drive two miles away and catch a shuttle.  I missed the first song, and RocketBoy let me know he knew it.

They do a good concert, those kids.  Then they hopped back on the bus to head up to Rock City, a Ronald McDonald house near Chattanooga, and the to the hotel.

At the hotel, RocketBoy couldn’t find his swimsuit (the suitcase is a tiny one… It’s hard to understand why he had to search for “an hour” for it).  Then, once in the pool, he hit his head on the side when someone bumped into him, and had to go back to his room to recuperate.  So, not a lot of swimming to be had there.

He stayed in a room with a counselor and one other boy, who he got to know.  He was nervous he wouldn’t get to know anyone, but he did pal around with two other boys, so all was well.

Sunday morning, they went to a Presbyterian church to perform, and I guess had to listen to the sermon, because he cited a low point as “having to listen to some guy tell a story I didn’t understand about Jesus and some goats.”   I sympathized; I was never clear on the goat story myself.

When he got back from the trip, the director came up to me and said one of the counselors had told her a story about RocketBoy.  I cringed, because “I have a story about RocketBoy” could go either way, quirky kid that he is.

But the story went that when they were done singing at the Ronald McDonald house, he struck up a conversation with a family that was staying there, and heard about their baby daughter who was in the NICU “just like Scout was”.  After he heard that, he went and found an employee of the house and asked to make a donation.  He took a $1 from his “treat money” we gave him, and handed it over, because “they needed it more than I did.”

So, I’m going to stop cringing.

In the final tally, he lost a shoe, but gained someone’s pants, and had a good time, so we’ll call it a win.