I’ve heard arguments back and forth as to who won the final presidential debate last night. I’m surprised the pundits are overlooking my obviously superior performance.

I did not once go negative all evening. Not even when steakums asked me to walk the dog before going to bed.

I never once claimed that No Child Left Behind was “the first time we had looked at the issue of education in America from a nationwide perspective.” Because I’m pretty sure we have a federal Department of Education that looks at the issue of education in America from a nationwide perspective at least once a day. Maybe twice if they take a short lunch.

I remained poised, confident and relaxed at all times. Also, I had graham crackers.

William Ayers does not live anywhere near my neighborhood, though in the interest of full disclosure, there are some domestic terrorists who occasionally egg my car. To my knowledge, they have never had a meet-and-greet for me in their home.

I did not once reference Joe the Plumber.

I represented myself as a family man by cleaning up the cups of Play-Doh my daughter left lying around.

When asked a question, I answered directly without talking around the issue. “Will you walk the dog before going to bed?” Yes, yes I most certainly will, without precondition.

FactCheck.org has found no misrepresentations in any of my statements.

I have shown bipartisanship throughout much of my life by wearing blue shoelaces on one foot, and red on the other.

Yes, my friends, I think I’ve got this one sewn up.