Well, apparently I’m a republican.

At least, the republican party has claimed me, in spite of never having voted republican. Or democrat, for that matter.

They sent me a Republican Party Census Document, where they ask a lot of loaded questions to confirm that all us republican’s are in line behind George W. The letter begins:

“Dear Fellow Republican,

You are among a select group of Republicans who have been chosen to take part in the official CENSUS OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.”

A census with great questions like :

“Should small businesses be encouraged to grow and hire more workers?”

Oh dear god no! Down with those small business owners! And their little dogs, too.

“Do you agree that teaching our children to read and increasing literacy rates should be a national priority?”

Screw ’em! What have the little snots done for me?

“Should the inheritance or “Death Tax” be permanently repealed?”

Words are powerful, aren’t they, you pollsters, you? To paraphrase Paula Poundstone, I wish they WOULD tax death, because after taxes, it might be just sort of a tired feeling, really.

“Do you support the President’s efforts to save Social Security and add a prescription drug benefit to Medicare?”

Does the president have any efforts to save Social Security that I can support?

And then at the end, of course they ask for money.

Dweebs.