Letters to Camp – Day 13

Dear Rocketboy,

Well, it’s the last night before we journey up to see you guys for the parent overnight trips. It’s possible you’ve already seen us by the time you get this email. In fact, we may be standing RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

Things have been pretty eventful here, though from the letters Andrew and Little write about camp, it seems like you guys have been having a busy time as well.

You’re probably wondering how the whole unicorn thing turned out. You may have already seen us at camp, and asked “How did the unicorn thing turn out?” To which we probably replied, “Wait for the letter. It explains everything.” So here’s the letter.

Yesterday, Star-sky and Hootch the Chimeras, the Grey Unicorns and your mom and I rode over to the house in an FBI van. There was all sorts of equipment in there… body heat scanners, tazer guns, magic detectors, gummy bears, stun grenades… just everything you’d expect in a high-tech van like that. Except for cup holders. I really thought there would be cup holders. Frankly, I was a bit disappointed in that.

So, we parked outside the house, and it was obvious that the White Unicorns were having a housewarming party inside. Lots of music, disco balls, cheese dip. It made me so mad, I almost dropped my can of Coke, which I couldn’t set down because, y’know, no cup holders.

Anyway, Star-sky, who’s the brains of the outfit, gives the signal and we all pile out of the van and spread across the front yard, real sneaky-like. We were wearing regulation FBI sneakers just for that reason.

Hootch gets on the loudspeaker and warns them that the gig is up, they’re surrounded, and they need to come out peacefully and leave. The music inside shuts off, and a bunch of White Unicorns come to the window and look real scared when they see us and the FBI van, which they know is full of all kinds of high-tech stuff, not to mention gummy bears, in case we get hungry.

We watch them arguing, and then one of the Grey Unicorns that has gone around back reports that one of the White Unicorns is frantically writing an email to someone. I’m not sure who, but I guess we’ll never know, since they deleted all the emails they sent.

Star-sky tells them that time is up, and they don’t come out. So the Chimeras and Grey Unicorns bust in through the front door. Star-sky asked your mom and I to stay outside, because that is the toughest job, to stand outside and make sure none of the Unicorns gets away. He said that only the bravest and most skilled get the waiting outside job. You’re probably pretty impressed by that. Right?

All we see is a bunch of rainbows shooting out the windows and whinnies and neighs and tazer sounds and something that sounds like a snake roaring, which is an odd sound in itself.

Finally, it quiets down, and your mom and I can’t wait outside anymore. We go in, and the White Unicorns are all in handcuffs and the Chimeras and Unicorns are giving each other High Ones and eating celebratory gummy bears.

Hootch has a big cut on his shoulder, and it looks pretty painful. I point out that the Unicorn horn has magical healing properties according to the CDC, and he’s all “awesome!” and rubs it on a White Unicorn’s horn, and it totally healed!

Pinky the White Unicorn looks at me and asks, “What’s that Coke for?”

I tell him there was no cup holder in the van, and he gets all angry and yells at his buddy, “Why didn’t you TELL me they didn’t have cup holders? We could have used that to our advantage!”

But it’s too late, and now everyone has cleared out, and we’ve cleaned up the hoof prints and Sprite cans.

Just in time to get packed for the overnights. It’ll be good to get back to normal around here.

Just as soon as we deal with the magical spiders.

See you soon!

Love Mom+Dad

Letters to Camp – Day 12

ATTENTION CHILDREN OF LUCAS,

LISTEN. YOUR PARENTS ARE BEING UNREASONABLE.

THEY HAVE OUR… I MEAN, YOUR… HOUSE SURROUNDED BY GREY UNICORNS AND CHIMERAS.

*CHIMERAS*! FBI CHIMERAS! WITH LION HEADS AND SNAKE TAILS AND ALSO SNAZZY DARK SUITS AND SUNGLASSES AND BADGES. THEY ARE *REALLY* FREAKING US OUT IN HERE.

SERIOUSLY.

SO, WE WILL MAKE YOU A DEAL. IF YOU WILL CONTACT YOUR PARENTS AND TELL THEM TO GO AWAY WE WILL REPLACE YOUR SPRITE. WE ARE REALLY SORRY ABOUT THE WHOLE SPRITE THING. ALSO FOR RIPPING YOUR SHEETS WITH OUR UNICORN HORNS ON ACCIDENT. WE ARE REALLY SORRY ABOUT THAT. PERHAPS WE SHOULD NOT HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT. BUT WE DON’T KNOW HOW TO DELETE THINGS ON THIS COMPUTER SO… NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT THE SHEETS. WE ARE SORRY.

TAKING OVER CHICAGO WAS SO MUCH EASIER BECAUSE YOU JUST GIVE THE PEOPLE SOME DEEP-DISH PIZZA AND IMPROV AND THEY GO AWAY.

NOT THAT WE ARE TRYING TO TAKE OVER! NO WAY! WE ARE HAPPY AND RAINBOWS! AND CHOCOLATE!

THIS IS SIMPLY A MATTER OF YOUR PARENTS OWING US MONEY FOR SERVICES WE PROVIDED. LIKE HAPPINESS. EVERYONE LIKES HAPPINESS? RIGHT? AND THEY SHOULD PAY FOR IT. SIMPLE AS THAT.

ANYWAY, PLEASE HURRY BECAUSE I THINK THE CHIMERAS ARE ON THE ROOF NOW.

OK. THANK YOU.

HURRY PLEASE.

SINCERELY,
THE WHITE UNICORN GROUP

Letters to Camp – Day 11

Hey Rocketboy!

It was great to see you today! Hope you got some rest before the big afternoon games!

We had a bit of an adventure this afternoon after we left you. As we were driving home, we got to talking with the J_____s about our unicorn problem, and N____ was telling us how unicorn horn (made of a substance called alicorn) has magical properties that can cure poisons, and they use it all the time at the Center for Disease Control where she works. So that was interesting information, not sure how I’m going to use that, but you never know when it might come in handy.

And then R____ told us how they keep a few Chimeras at the FBI, you know, for emergencies. Have you ever heard of a Chimera? They’re often referred to as the Chinese Unicorn, but they have the front of a lion, tail of a snake, and a goat in between. Also, like the Grey Unicorns, they breathe fire. The ones in the FBI are well trained in combat, and carry badges. They’re apparently quite the wise-crackers, too. Always with the jokes.

185 Chimeras walk into a bar, the bartender says, “I’m sorry we don’t serve Chimeras here.” The Chimeras respond, “Are you lion? That really gets my goat.”

Y’know, jokes like that.

Anyway, R____ said he could loan us a couple to help out with our White Unicorn problem. So, two Chimeras, Star-sky and Hootch, are hanging out with us at the office supply store tonight. They are so funny, I don’t even mind that they burned my eyebrows accidentally.

Tomorrow, Operation Take Back the House!

We’ll let you know how it goes.

Love,
Mom+Dad

Letters to Camp – Day 10

ATTENTION LUCAS CHILD.

THIS IS THE WHITE UNICORN GROUP.

WE ARE UNABLE TO LOCATE YOUR PARENTS. OUR AGENTS SAY THEY WERE SEEN HEADING TOWARDS NORTH CAROLINA.

IF YOU SEE THEM, PLEASE LET THEM KNOW WE NEED THE KEYS TO YOUR AUTOMOBILES. WE WANT TO DRIVE TO GET SOME PIZZA. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY, BECAUSE WE HAVE DRANK ALL YOUR SPRITE AND WE ARE HUNGRY.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE IN THIS.

REGARDS,
THE WHITE UNICORNS

Letters to Camp – Day 9

Rocketboy!

We saw some more pictures of you horseback riding and hanging out at the barn. Excellent! I hope your adventure is continuing.

Things here are going pretty well. I’ve decided that I actually *like* living in an office supply store. I’m a big fan of pens and pencils, and there’s nice desks and computers all over. I’m thinking we should all just live here.

Today, I searched the neighborhood and found a Grey Unicorn. It didn’t attack me or anything. It was actually… nice.

We had a long conversation, and what I learned is this: The Grey Unicorns are a group that are trying to keep the White Unicorns from stealing everyone’s houses. Apparently, they’ve already taken over Chicago and parts of Los Angeles.

That day the Grey Unicorn was “attacking” me, he was really trying to show me newspaper articles about the house stealing. Now I feel foolish.

So, we’re formulating a plan. We’ll have to do it after we get back from visiting camp, but we’ll see how it goes then.

Until then, I’ve got a nice cubby in the office supply store back room that’s perfect for you. All the staples you want!

Love
Mom+Dad

Letters to Camp – Day 8

Hey Miss Scout,

We saw you got to do some camping, with S’mores and stuff! That’s great. I can’t tell if you got to use your tent, or if you were using a shelter. But that’s cool! There’s a great picture of you and L___ by the camp fire. Awesome.

As you can tell, I am able to write to you again, even though the White Unicorns still have our house. Mom and I are sleeping in the back of an office supply store. At night, we sneak out, write emails on the computers that are for sale, and steal candy bars for food. We’re not proud, but in these times we do what we can. We’re working to get the house back before camp is over. It’s a good thing you’re at camp, or you would be living in an office supply store, too.

Whoops, had to take a break there… a security guard just came by and I had to hide in a pile of bubble wrap. Didn’t pop a one!

Anyway, I’m beginning to think the “good” unicorns maybe aren’t so good. Tomorrow, I’m going to try and contact one of the grey unicorns. Maybe we can team up and get rid of the White Unicorns. I mean, the grey unicorns breathe fire, so that should help, right?

Anyway, hope you have a day full of adventure!

Love,
Mom + Dad

P.S. Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrr.

Letters to Camp – Day 7

ROCKETBOY-

GREETINGS! I AM PINKY RAINBOWTON, THE WHITE UNICORN IN CHARGE OF THE YOUR FAMILY’S ACCOUNT.

BECAUSE PAYMENTS FOR OUR SERVICES HAVE NOT BEEN RECEIVED BY WHITE UNICORN INDUSTRIES, WE HAVE TEMPORARILY CONFISCATED YOUR HOME AND ALL BELONGINGS, INCLUDING THIS EMAIL ACCOUNT.

YOUR PARENTS ASKED US TO SEND THIS EMAIL SO YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND WHY THEY COULD NOT SEND AN EMAIL. THEY ARE CURRENTLY LIVING IN A TENT AT THE PARK. WE LET THEM KEEP THE TENT BECAUSE WE ARE NICE, HAPPY UNICORNS WITH RAINBOWS AND THINGS LIKE THAT.

AT LEAST THEY WILL GET PRACTICE FOR YOUR CAMPING TRIP! HA HA! I AM FUNNY UNICORN!

ANYWAY, YOUR THINGS SHOULD BE RETURNED TO YOUR FAMILY SOON, AS YOUR PARENTS ARE BUSY RAISING THE MONEY.

IN THE MEANTIME, I AM ENJOYING YOUR WII FIT. I LIKE THE MUD GAME. IS VERY FUNNY!

THAT IS ALL. YOU MAY RETURN TO YOUR CAMPING.

REGARDS,
PINKY RAINBOWTON, ESQ.

P.S. HOPE YOU HAVE A FUN DAY. SEE? I AM FUNNY, NICE UNICORN FOR SAYING THAT. NOT A MEAN HOME STEALER AT ALL! HA HA! IF ANYONE SAYS I STEAL HOMES, THEY ARE LYING. IF YOU HEAR THAT, LET ME KNOW WHO IT WAS. I WILL TALK TO THEM. NICELY. BECAUSE I AM HAPPY UNICORN! HA HA!

IF THEY SAY UNICORNS STEAL HOMES, THEY ARE PROBABLY THINKING OF THE GREY UNICORNS, BECAUSE THEY ARE BAD, LET ME TELL YOU. OH YES.

Letters to Camp – Day 6

Scout!

We saw several pictures of you, back on the Swamp Monster, sailing a boat, riding a horse, posing with your cabin… you seem pretty busy!

I’m going to be honest, things are going… strangely here.

Today a bunch of White Unicorns showed up on our doorstep, and presented us with a bill for “services rendered.” It looked like this:

White Unicorns, Inc.
Invoice
Lucas Home, Meadowvale Drive

Dear sir and madam:

Below find a list of services rendered and their associated costs to you, the protected party. Please remit payment as soon as possible, or something truly awful could happen. Really.

__________________________
Prancing, General…………………………………………… $7,590.00
Rainbows, Multicolor………………………………………. $4,250.00
Happiness, General Feelings of……………………….. $2,139.69
Battle against Bad Unicorns…………………………….. $25.99
Coat Cleaning, after battle…………………………………$10,001.59
Wear and Tear on Horns…………………………………… $5,000.00

New Customer Discount…………………………………….. -$25.00
__________________________________________________
Total ………………………………………………………$28,982.27

Sincerely,
White Unicorn Industries
“Putting the Fancy in Fanciful for 6000 Years”

So, that’s very expensive. Not sure what to do about that. Might have to sell the house. And a kidney.

Anyway, nothing to worry about. We’ll take care of it, no problem.

Enjoy your day!
Love,
Mom+Dad

Letters to Camp – Day 5

Roooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooocketboy,

How’s it going?

We got your letter today, glad to hear all is going well. I look forward to hearing more about the Future Mondamin comic when we come up this Sunday.

Things are fine here, still. Mom and I had swim practice tonight. We stopped at the Little Free Library to see if the books we put in this morning had been taken. A few had, we think maybe J___ (C____’s sister) took a few. She was the one who was excited about it.

But as we turned to go inside, there was a White Unicorn there. Kinda out of nowhere. Really spooky.

He asked if we were enjoying their protection from the Grey Unicorns, and of course we said we were.

He asked how much it was worth to us. I didn’t understand, so I asked him to explain.

“How much are you willing to pay us to keep protecting you?” He asked

I was confused, because I thought they did this out of honor or whatever. Apparently not. I explained we didn’t have much to pay him, since we had just bought a lot of camping equipment and stuff. He got a mean look in his eye and ran into the woods.

Weird. Really weird. Not sure what to make of that.

Anyway, I’m sure it’s fine. These are the happy, sunny, rainbows kind of unicorn!

Anyway, enjoy your day at camp,

Love,
Mom + Dad

Letters to Camp – Day 4

Scout,

Hey, kiddo! I saw a picture of you on the Swamp Monster! Awesome!

Things have been interesting here. I was out working on the Little Free Library, when a gang of Grey Unicorns charged me, waving some sort of papers, but just in time a bunch of White Unicorns appeared and scared the bad guys away. It was pretty close. I’m not sure I want to leave the house. Maybe we’ll have to go stay in a hotel for a few days while the good guys make sure they get rid of the bad ones completely. Scary!

Anyway, I got the library put up and mostly finished. I have to wait to get the official sign, and I still need to make the bird house part of it.

A few jokes for your day… about swimming…

Q: How do people swimming in the ocean say HI to each other?
A: They Wave!

Q: Where do zombies like to go swimming?
A: The Dead Sea

Q: Where do ghosts like to go swimming?
A: Lake Eerie

Love,
Mom + Dad